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Excerpt from
the short story:
Invisible
She was ugly. Or worse, plain. Nothing nobody could even dress up to
be other than plain. She could enter a room and no one would even look
up. She could walk past a crew of construction workers at lunchtime and
no one would even look past their sandwich. Not even Mama’s friends
would tease like they did to other mothers, “Ooh, has this baby grown!”
or “What happened to you? When’d YOU get all grown up, girl?”
They never even mentioned her at all, just accepted the iced tea Mama had
asked her to bring them and looked right past her.
Dark, round face, unremarkable bare eyes, one and the same color spread
over skin, eyes and lips, the only comment she’d ever received on
her looks was a casual “Media trompuda” from her mother, commenting
on her lips and teeth protruding a bit too far. The clearest translation
she could give it in English was “a little too much snout.”
Even when her figure filled out, and her breasts had filled the brassiere
cups, no one noticed.
Sometimes, as a young teen, she had stood on the edge of the bathtub,
perched high enough to be able to see her body reflected in the mirror
above the sink. She struggled to maintain her balance, worried about the
noise a fall would cause, but she was determined to see herself. With the
door locked and all her clothes removed, she studied the mirror. She saw
strange (and ugly, she thought) nuances against smooth brown skin. Dark,
curly hair growing in a big bush where it most embarrassed her; dark, bumpy
circles, too big, around the tips of the mis-shaped breasts; and then,
four too-skinny limbs sticking out from a too-fat torso. Still, while she
studied all the fragments at length, it was difficult to see the whole.
Perhaps the fault was the mirror’s. It was not really large enough.
Or perhaps, the fault was her own. She was not really visible enough. So
she resigned herself, hoping maybe something would bloom in her face or
her body or her overall appearance as she grew older.
She got a job, waitressing at the drugstore lunch counter, but people
never saw her. They gave their orders to her notepad, not to her.
Just once, she thought someone had noticed her. A man sat quietly in
the corner booth. He was older than the teenage boys she studied from a
distance at school, and older than the young-to-mid-20’s delivery
men she studied at a distance from the door to the back parking lot. His
long, curly lashes framed the dark shine of his eyes as his gaze poured
into the book in front of him. The scent of a subtle but delicious men’s
cologne spilled flirtatiously out of the crisp white shirt collar, open
at the neck. A glimpse of his brown chest was visible above the “V”
of the first fastened button. He was not extraordinarily handsome, could
maybe even be considered to have a hint of average, but still he was very
classy.
He had ordered routinely, efficiently, and returned his gaze to the
book. But later, as she took an order from the adjacent booth, he had raised
his head and stared, deeply, hungrily, steadily in her direction, as the
hint of a smile curled up at the corners of his full lips. The slow, deep
dreaminess of his gaze had caught her by surprise; the fullness of the
now-parted lips had carried too much sensuality to ignore; his look stole
her breath away.
She blushed, stumbled a bit, as she left the booth and headed for the
counter, to leave off the order. His head was still raised, his gaze still
deep, but his eyes had not moved when she did. She could see now that they
were focused on nothing in this room. They were in a dream, a memory maybe,
a thought, and eventually, they returned to the book, the same smile on
the corner of his lips now directed at the small black letters on the cream-colored
page.
She stopped, reached deep into her belly to find a breath of air, slumped
into a restrained sigh, and lowered her eyes, demoting herself back down
to where she, just five minutes ago, had never doubted she belonged: in
the emptiness of a mirror with no reflection, a shadow without a face...
At her graduation, she crossed the stage, wondering if people saw an
empty cap and gown walk across, or just nothing at all. It was the latter,
she decided, since anything she put on would disappear right with her.
The principal mispronounced her name and the Superintendent of Schools
missed her hand on the handshake, correcting the mistake with a brief touch
of the fingertips before the next graduate approached.
She increased her hours at the drugstore. Sometimes, people forgot to
tip. Occasionally, when business was slow, she would walk over to the Hair
Brushes & Accessories Aisle, and stare at her face in the $5.99 large
hand-held mirror. She never took it off the rack, just dipped her face
down enough to look into it. After a while, she quit seeing anything.
One day, her six-year-old niece came over to read Grandma her new book.
“I want to read it again, Grandma!” said Cindy. The telephone
rang and Grandma had to take it. So she alone was left to listen to Cindy’s
performance. Cindy didn’t hide her disappointment. “Just You???
Hmph!” The second reading was conducted as if to an empty audience.
“The Ugly Duckling!” she announced, reading each page with
flair and importance. When Cindy finished, she turned to leave, not expecting
even applause from this unimpressive non-audience, but was surprised to
hear an audience comment.
“It lied,” came the flat but quiet voice out of her mouth.
“It lied. The ugly duckling doesn’t become a swan. It becomes
an ugly, grown-up duck.” Cindy looked like she was about to break
out crying for a moment, but then it passed, and she left the room haughtily,
smirking “You don’t know nothing anyway.”
Alone after the young child’s exit, she spent the rest of the
evening doodling. Things that looked like ugly ducks marched across the
page, invisibly, quacking inaudible quacks. One wore a cap and gown, another
a waitress frock, another a housedress, another a low-cut nightgown. She
felt like something inside her was going to break... |
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